Relationship Advice Answer

Hi Risa. I want to start by saying what an inspiration you and your blog are to me. I’ve been obese as long as I can remember and I’ve recently hopped back on the bandwagon with my weight-loss and you are such a big help. I actually wanted to ask you for some relationship advice, I could really use an outside opinion right now. I’ve been best friends with this guy since we were kids and I’ve had feelings for him for over 6 years. I am now 21 and have never been in a relationship or had my first kiss. (not because of him, I’ve expressed interest in other guys too but no guys have ever showed interest) He’s never expressed any interest in a girl before (a lot of people assumed he was gay) so I always hung on to the hope that maybe I still had a chance. He’s literally the only friend I have left anymore. My best girlfriend got a boyfriend and rarely talks to me anymore. Well a few months ago I realized I started seeing him less and less and found out it was because he was hanging out with his new friend from work and the friends girlfriend who live over a 50 min drive from us. At first I was just hurt because he was hanging out with people who live ages away from us more than he was me, who is 5 minutes from him, but now things have gotten a lot worse. He was always a very soft spoken & sweet guy and still is when we hang out together but I’ve discovered that he developed feelings for his friends girlfriend. He’s known for years about my feelings for him and according to him, “He can’t help who he fell for” which is completely true, and he says he hates hurting me but he just doesn’t feel anything for me. And now I found out that he’s broken up his friends relationship because he and this girl were seeing each other before she broke up with the boyfriend. So basically I am a big emotional mess right now of jealousy, loneliness, hurt, and everything else. I don’t want to think badly of him because he’s my best friend but I don’t know what to do anymore. He says he wants me to be her friend and hang out with them and she has texted me saying that she really hopes we can be friends. I’ve tried fueling my emotions from all of this into my exercise and focus on my diet but I am just so lonely. I have no one to talk to anymore. I still talk to my best girlfriend about it but the advice she gives me is basically just to cut him out of my life and I just can’t do that. He means the world to me. I know that I have to get over my feelings and I can’t wait for my next school semester to start so I can meet some new people and focus on something else. But until then I am just such a mess. Every time I hear someone talk about them together or see their statuses on facebook saying that they are somewhere together it makes me literally sick to my stomach. I feel like I’m going to vomit and I fall asleep every night with cold chills like I’m about to be sick. I can’t sleep because of the awful dreams I have and I can’t focus at work. I just don’t know what to do anymore. It just feels good to get this out to someone. Even if you don’t write me back, thanks for reading. :) 

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So I got this in the form of a fan mail. I copy/pasted it into a Tumblr text box so I could read it better. (I hate fan mail because it’s 1. not publishable and 2. a pain in the but for me to read with such huge text. I like small text better.) I’m publishing my answer because I know that situations like this are actually somewhat common, and it may help others. I’m keeping the submitter’s name off because I’m respecting her privacy.

You only have two real options in this situation: stop seeing him and move on or make friends with his girlfriend and move on. That’s it. If he’s not into you, he’s not into you. I know people who have clung to best friend crushes for years and years, and NONE of those crushes have worked out well. I had a crush on a good friend for 2 years. Told him how I felt even though he knew, he turned me down, then he started going out with the exact friend of ours I feared he’d find more attractive than me. It was painful and brutal, but I learned to move on in time. Now I have zero romantic feelings for him, and I absolutely adore them as a couple. They’re so perfect for each other, I’m ashamed I ever hated the idea of it. We’re still friends, though more distant now purely because of location, schedules, etc. But all three of us are on great terms with each other.

If you truly value your friendship, take the painful step and move on (which will take time) and maintain your friendship with him and his lady. If you just can’t let go, you’re going to have to cut him off before you drive yourself off the deep end. And I know plenty who have gone off that deep end, so I don’t really recommend it.

You’ll find someone. But you can’t start catching new fish until you throw this one back in the water.