*This is a personal post. If you don’t like those, get out now.*
Tonight at Rocky was very rough. (I tech for The Rocky Horror Picture Show on Saturday nights.) One of the guys on tech, the guy who’s likely about to become my new tech leader, is someone I asked out back in October. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the time for me. Or anyone. His life was and is rather chaotic, as he was explaining to be tonight through watery eyes. A lot of personal stuff. But he kept apologizing to me because he said he really did want to take me out, but he just couldn’t… and now he can’t because I’m with Mitch.
Then there’s another guy on tech. The one who drove me to the hospital and stayed with me for hours in December when I ripped my finger open during the show. He’s a sweet and wonderful person, and it’s pretty darn obvious that he has an interest in me. I would love to be friends with this guy because he just radiates happiness, but I can totally cut the sexual tension with a knife.
Then there’s another guy who just poured all over me for a while, but he just flat out wasn’t my type. He’s a good guy, just, you know, we don’t click.
There’s one more guy, but he just kinda tries to hump everybody. So I don’t think much of it.
But I’m very perceptive of emotions, and I’m very empathetic. And these guys tonight when they interacted with me, they were just… it’s not like we used to interact. There was a sadness in all of it. Some outright told me, some didn’t. But apparently it was some sort of big blow when I went officially off the market.
Now don’t get me wrong here! I am enraptured with Mitch. What I feel with him, since the moment we reconnected at the New Year’s party, is NOTHING like what I feel around these guys at the show. Everything happens for a reason, and I know I didn’t get involved with one of the show boys because it allowed me to get together with Mitch. And if I had to choose from the 5 in a line-up right now, I’d go with Mitch again and again in a heartbeat because what he makes me feel is something I have never felt with anyone else before, and I wouldn’t trade that or his company and affections for the world.
But what gets me… I don’t like to upset people. These guys at the show are my friends. As friends, I care about them and want them to be happy. So when one of them looks at me with a sad face and, in one instance, tears in his eyes, I feel like I’ve caused them pain. And I’d never want to do that to anyone. It makes me feel very conflicted. Not about who I should be with, but I feel conflicted about how would be best to console my friends.
And what just kind of blows my mind in all of this: I was single for a year and a half. And I have had more people this year than in the rest of my life combined confess attraction to me. But not a single one asked me out or bothered to make a move. And I really hope it doesn’t strain those friendships now, but I am glad that none of them made a move. If they had, maybe I wouldn’t have reconnected with Mitch. Maybe I would still feel something missing and something searching. But now I don’t. He makes me so very happy. Dare I say… complete. But I am just saddened that my happiness has come at some small expense of that of others. And I really hope it goes away by next week’s show.